The Starlight Bug

I'm so sick. My stomache was upset and I thought eating something would help. I had one serving of raisin bran at (+110) calories, and I threw it up. (-100). So I slept for a while, but then I could tell that my stomache DID need something so I ate half a thing of Campbell's chicken noodle soup(+100), and then, (SHAME ON ME!) I ate some "fruity pebbles" (+150)- whatever the fuck those are- with a bit of 1 percent milk(+50). GAG.

So far, that's (+310)

Not good. Not too bad though, considering that I REALLY needed to get something stable in my tummy. I feel bloated and fat now, so I'm going to clean my room and take out our trash and then get busy with some school work. Maybe I'll take my computer to some place on campus where there isn't food nearby.

... nevermind, colleges don't have those places.


FUCK.

- I have tattoo's on the side of my lower back. They will ONLY look sexy on skinny hips!
- I want my hipbones out MORE.
- I want my clothes to drape around me
- I want to wear short shorts
- I want waify arms and legs
- I want to look GOOD in my skinny jeans, and not like some fat girl latching onto a trend
- Flesh feels disgusting
- Food is impure
- GROSSSSS
- Keep reminding me........

ive had a very bad few days.
i don't post when I have bad days- i should start. maybe that will help.
ANYWAY
today is going to be a good day
i am fat and disgusting but i am going to CHANGE THAT.

good luck everybody:)

Slimfast Bar 220
Raisin Bran with Yogurt 140
1 cup of fruit 100 ?
Reese's 60
Oatmeal 100
Grape Nuts 90


OVERESTIMATED TOTAL: 800




Okay, so HERE'S what I'm doing!



Who knows about Hoodia??? I was at Walgreen's today, browsing the diet pill section briefly. I saw Hoodia, and since I've been hearing so much about it I got interested. I've never bought diet pills and wasn't sure if I was ready to invest, but it seemed so interesting and safe, so I found for only $9.99 a box for a 10 day diet. Has anyone tried this? If so, how'd it go?
I'm not going to eat for the rest of the day, I'm about to take an adderall for studying this whole afternoon/night. So tomorrow I start Hoodia- I'll let you know if it works.

I'm never going to do it again.
But- IVE SAID THIS BEFORE!
What's the best way to be like, "okay, THIS is it."
and really fulfill that promise to myself?

I have time set aside to work out tomorrow, so that's good.
it will make me feel less guilty.
if that's even possible....

AAAAAAH FUCK WHY DID I DO THIS FUCK FUCK FUCK

1 I bought an Odwalla fresh-squeezed orange juice. I need vitamin C, I get sick too easily. I only took a few sips of it though, at most I'd say 30 cals.
2 Carrot and Celery sticks, a few. Probably 25 cals.
3 A few saltine crackers, because they get rid of my hunger. 60 cals. Too much.


So far total: 115


wall sits
lunges
cruches
squats
jumping jacks
more cruches

...anything I can do in my dorm room.

Calories at rest- aka the amount of energy your body uses on a normal day with regular activity level- is hard to determine. http://www.24hourfitness.com/html/fitness/fit_calc/rest/ this site had a little thing to punch in your height/weight/age, and I did. It says that on average my body burns 1400 calories a day.

Can I rely on this as somewhat accurate?

Also, I have heard many times that it takes a deficit (-) of 3500 calories to equal one pound of weight loss.

Any truth to that?

So, if those things are both true, then I can figure this out.

If I eat only 400 a day, that's a 1000 cal deficit. That means it would take 3 and a half days to lose a single pound! That seems a touch off, since one or two days of low cal intake makes me feel a looot skinnier. (I don't own a scale yet! omg!)


... your thoughts?

Today has been a very good day.
I said, "I'm not going to eat today. I'm not going to screw this up.
And I haven't. I won't. I'm happy with my progress.
My weekend was so emotional, I felt like everything was beyond my control. So many problems at home, but now I am away, and now I have control. Ana feeds me. She feeds me with hunger.
I LOVE my hunger.
Hunger fuels me in a way food cant. This control gives me strength. The weight that ceases to exists only builds me up and makes me feel better. Happier. Content.
I didn't take myAdderall today- it makes more of a difference when I save it up for one night, which greatly aids both my diet AND my grades. Yes!!
I'm going to go to the coffee shop in a bit, get a hot tea maybe, and sit outside and read my book. Maybe smoke an American Spirit.
I got a ton of cute new clothes.
I'm not going to wear them yet.
I'm saving them to give myself a reward, when I reach my goal weight.

HELP.
I am going to CVS later on and I was wondering if there were any good or recommended supplements or diet pills or anything like that in the nutritiou section I should get. Anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks, I hope you girls have a good day, too. And I'm always with my computer, if anyone wants to talk:)





Here's a beautiful, classic thinspirational photograph:


And one more, a "Real girl" as opposed to a model... very inspiring...

i gorged myself today.
later today, that is.
i didnt eat until i got back to college.
i ate terribly.
i don't even want to list it, or say.
i'm ashamed.
i had a horrible weekend emotionally.
i managed to not eat much until tonight...
and now that i'm back, i swear to get things in order.
i have to.
i have a lot to do tomorrow.
i'm going to burn a lot of calories and consume very few.
i'm going to empty myself of all this trash.

You know what... here's a thought.

Pro-Ana websites claim that they do not wish to "turn" anybody anorexic. But I mean- come on. They should. (I'm not serious, this is just for making a point...) This country is the fattest in the world. I am ashamed of it. We are a gross, over-consuming, glutton population. Children are starving around the world, while we load our Hummers with big more-than-you-can-ever-eat boxes in bulk from Sam's club or Walmart. We are obses. It is DISGUSTING.
Another thing- the phrase "you are what you eat"-- people, THAT'S NOT METAPHOR! That's a fucking fact. Your body grows. New cells need to be made all the time. New cells need to have energy, or calories, and protiens, amino acids, lipids, fats, etc., to BUILD YOUR BODY. It's up to YOU, the aware being, to give your body the proper building blocks. Would you rather build yourself out of nutritious things like fruits, vegetables, light dairy products, etc., or build your body with a bigmac (which, by the way, isn't even MEAT. It is overproduced to be made in the cheapest way possible, fueled with steroids and chemicals and preservatives and other things that you don't want in your body.) The FDA would illegalize the way fast food is prepared if the government weren't so involved in big business and corporate America.

Food sickens me.

That's all I have to say.




Rhetoric
skinnyjeans.enoughsaid.
hip bones make good love handles, too :-)
you are what you eat. be careful...


Goodnight, Ana.

I had a bran muffin this morning.
And my mom kept asking me if I was hungry all day during our shopping trip.
I said no, and she gives me "the look".
Oh, well... Back to my university tomorrow.

Shopping was horrific for me.
The mirrors in the dressing rooms are never nice.
And the lighting! My god!
I never want to go into Victoria's Secret again- well, not until I get down to a good weight.

The wedding was tonight. I sipped a glass of wine but put it down, because my stomache couldn't take it. The food was Vietnamese- needless to say, I don't have much a taste for Jellyfish. I nibbled a bit of shrimp, and a scoop of rice, and then I scoured the dessert table, but ended up not finishing the tiny things I picked up.
I ate more- and worse- than I wanted to, but in reality my calories still totalled about 600 today, and that isn't bad. It's progress. And I feel empty.

Tomorrow I'm going to the airport around 5, plane leaves at 545, and I get into Austin around 630. My best friend is going to pick me up. Airplanes take away my appetite. Something about that sickening cabin pressure...

I've made myself a big pot of hot green tea. And I'm browsing for some good thinspo now. It keeps me going....

light as a feather
light as a feather
light as a feather
light as a feather...




There is only one rule:

Calories In (+)
Calories Out (-)
=simplicity.






Today wasn't bad.
Today wasn't good.
Too embarassed to say what, But in total: (900 Calories)
But I still feel empty, and what I did eat was good. A slice of whole wheat toast with extra fiber, a non-fat yogurt which was only 80 calories, and a shitload of carrot sticks (which are- wow- so low in calories). Tomorrow will be a busy day what with a wedding at all, also my mom is taking my shopping. [IF THAT ISN'T THINSPIRATION TO GET SKINNY I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS. SHOPPING TRIPS ARE EVIL.] Dad is going to make bran muffins for breakfast on my request, they're about 90 calories apiece and its basically nothing BUT fiber. My parents are health freaks. He's famous for them- they're big, tasty, very filling, and they clean out your system. I want to be clean.
I want to be perfect. I am so far from it!


About the scale issue:
I've never owned a scale. It's always been a "well the last time I went to the doctor..." thing. I will buy a scale when I get back to college, but for now I'll use my moms. I'm too scared to use it, though... I think I weigh more now that I ever have. I'm going to do another two days/nights of minimal eating and weigh myself before I leave. I'll be sure to update.... Ick. This will be tough. But it must be done! And then I will have a starting point and set a goal in stone and achieve it.
Why?
Because I can.

The Past Two Days
Yesterday, since we stayed at my lakehouse, I had to cook breakfast. So I ate a huge breakfast. And I didn't eat for the entire rest of the day- not a single bite. Hot green tea and homework keeps my mind off of it. Today, I had a test in the morning and munched on a prepackaged serving of cornflakes, at onlly 80 calories. And I'm not hungry. (And I think I knocked out that test...!)

Today, Tomorrow.
This is where I'm going to need help. I'm going home for the first time. My cousin's wedding is tomorrow (wedding food is a demon to some, but I'm a picky eater and the caterers usually suck) and my mom likes to cook for me. She IS a health NUT (thus the pressure to be skinny). She only shops at Whole Foods and is a delicious gormet cook. You should SEE my mom! It inspires me, because she's 53 and looks ten years younger than that, she weighs about the same as me but is an inch taller. (5''7, 125lbs). So I'm going to try to eat very lightly, no snacking at all, no eating after 7, etc.
ANOTHER thing! I haven't seen my boytoy since I've been at college, and I'm going to go see him at work tonight. (He was my loverboy for about a year, we're really good friends who like to... you know... hook up. heh heh.) I have to walk in there looking hot. I want my tummy to be
Empty.
That is something I have control over.
I can do it!


Adderall XR 10mg
I'm on Adderall. I truly do need it for school. They are 10 mg time release, an 8-year-old's dose, but I'm fine with it. I really don't like stimulants (Read: Cocaine) all that much, so the low does is good. I HAD been taking it once every morning, but I thought I'd save them for when I need to spend hours studying, and take 2 or 3 at a time. That way, they have more power. I can fast all day and not even pay a single scrap of attention to food or hunger or anything.

I am empty.

I'm going home!

I like to feel empty.

Not because I want to be empty, but because I genuinely like the way it feels. Theres a point where hunger dissapates and it's replaced witih another feeling... hallowness? purity? lightness? I don't know.


My Tips. //things that work for me.


1. Drink water. [fake fullness.]
2. Eat fiber. [internal cleansing.]
3. Do something. [keep your mind away. work on a project. study. clean. blog.]
4. Pacify the mouth! [i have oral fixation. i need my mouth to be working! pacifiers are incredible when I'm studying or in my room. Also, gum, Gobstoppers, cigarettes, etc.]



Now this is what I call THINSPO!